Philippians 4:4-7

The first three weeks after Adon was born were wonderful. He was nursing well, Grace was loving on him, there was tons of family around to visit with, etc. I felt so great I was walking every other day, enjoying the last of our nice Fall weather. I was so thankful for how many prayers God had answered positively concerning Adon. I remember telling Beej, “With every baby I just fall more in love with you”. And I was already daydreaming about more children, imagining myself loading them all into a large vehicle and driving them to the park.

Somewhere around week four the bubble burst. Adon was still eating every three hours around the clock. No long stretches for him at all, which meant the most sleep I’d gotten by then at one time was around 2 ½ hours. The lack of rest finally caught up with me, and I felt like I hit a wall. I made and broke plans all week because I was just too tired. My attitude plummeted. It wasn’t “oh Beej, I love you so much” anymore. It was more “how come you’re not reading my mind to help meet my needs”. Suddenly I was wondering if I was ever going to get any sleep or feel rested, and my thankful heart was long gone.

It is amazing to me how having a newborn (or any life changing event) can reveal weaknesses in my heart, my marriage, and the way I look to and think about the Lord. All that junk was already there, it just took a few sleepless weeks to draw it out. I did need rest—way more of it. But I needed Christ even more than I needed sleep.

Beej brought me a beautiful bunch of flowers, and we shifted gears. I pumped and Beej gave Adon a bottle for his midnight feeding. I let a few friends know that I desperately needed prayer. I got a little more sleep, and I memorized Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I needed rest that only Christ can give. I needed my mind to stop racing with all I "had to" get done. I needed to stop doing everything out of my own strength and lean on His. And you know what, I feel a whole lot better.

In other news…

We’ve begun reading Timothy Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage”. Perfect timing considering everything I mentioned earlier don’t you think?! We’ve made it through chapter three and already there have been some good and difficult conversations. It’s really causing us both to think a lot and stirring up a desire to grow more. I am looking forward to making our way through the rest of the book together.

I also read a great article about grief which I recommend even if you haven’t lost someone yet. It’s helpful to know how to encourage those who have. And another about cultivating a restful, quiet heart which I found incredibly convicting! Check ‘em out and pass them on.

We’re having Grace’s party this Friday. Just a small, low-key family party with cupcakes and a little cake I whipped up. But the big surprise I’ve been working on is a play kitchen. I scored two beat up nightstands that have taken me forever to transform. I am just hoping to have enough time to get it done by Friday.

And that's it for today folks. Hope your Thursday is going well!

Happy Birthday Dad...

This is a really silly photograph of my dad. We'd gone up to Tillamook for Thanksgiving in 2007. My folks had moved up there for my dad's new job. They'd never lived that far away from all us kids before. It was difficult for them, but as my mom said later, "It made us rely on each other in new ways that we hadn't for a long time". We'd toured the Tillamook Cheese Factory. My parents had actually been saving this thrilling adventure for when we all got up there--it's a very small town. But back to the silly photo. It's perfect. He was a total ham. He was light-hearted, loved to laugh, was always encouraging, and looking on the bright side of things. He listened. He wasn't perfect, but on the whole, he was a wonderful dad.  


Losing him is always hitting me in new ways. I remember about three weeks after he passed away when it struck me that that was the longest time I'd ever gone without speaking to him. Only I never would again. Now, a little over two years later, I think often about how much he loved me. How he was one of the few people in my life to love me unconditionally, who really knew me, got me and had always been there. Good parents are a gift from the Lord. And my dad was a HUGE gift to me.


We went out to dinner in honor of him last night and shared a few stories about his past birthdays. Most of the gifts we gave were "Best Dad" t-shirts from Montgomery Wards, golf tees and balls, or we'd chip in a little on a new club he'd been eyeing. 


But one year was awful. The worst. I realized around 10:30 at night that I'd completely forgotten to call him on his special day. I felt terrible. By then it was way too late to call because I knew he had to get up incredibly early for work the next morning. The next day I spoke to my mom. NO ONE remembered his birthday. Not one of his kids--and there are four of us. I don't know that I've ever felt worse about disappointing him. I called the next day, only to make it worse, because I felt so bad that I cried on the phone while apologizing and telling him Happy (Belated) Birthday. He was great about it, totally brushed it off, and made it seem like it was no big deal--which as you know how those things go, only made me feel worse!  


My dad would've turned 54 years old today. How I wish he was here so I could tell him how happy I am to honor and celebrate the day he was born! So Happy Birthday Dad! I'm loving you, missing you, and thinking of all the things I'd say if you were still here. 

Memories of Gram

It was a sweet surprise when Grace, my grandma's first great grand-baby arrived on her birthday. She was 79 years old.


Gram passed away several weeks ago.


Every summer, my mom would drive us kids down to my grandparents house in San Diego. The same house she grew up in. They'd lived there forever. We'd be down there for a week and then my dad would join us for the second week of our vacation. I have lots of great memories from all the visits down there: going to the beach, the garage fridge stocked with soda, Yoo-Hoo and all our other favorites, Christmas' with extended family and billions of presents, playing bus and airplane for hours on the carpeted stairs leading up to the big room where we all slept, my grandpa's fountain out in the back yard, making orange juice from my grandma's orange trees, getting the six foot subs from the deli and making my dad lie down next to them so we could check if they were really six feet long or not. So many more too.


It's sad. And for some reason, losing my grandma makes me miss my dad all the more. Most of March was just very wearying. Thankfully, I serve a good God, the great Comforter.

New Year, New Outlook

Happy New Year from our family to you!


I haven't blogged in a long time. It's been months. I thought about it a lot, but just didn't write anything. Things have just been difficult since Grace's 1st birthday--mainly grieving my dad and thinking about him a lot from then through the holidays. Even really good things can be hard because they make me miss him all the more. There just wasn't a lot of motivation to put anything up here. 


But that's what New Year's resolutions are for right?! So, here I am, at it again. Wanting to write, update family, share about what we've been doing, how we're growing, what's changing and staying the same. 


But enough about me. 


What are your plans and goals and dreams for this New Year? 
How are you going to challenge yourself to grow?
C'mon, I'd love to hear about it!

Remembering My Dad

Yesterday marked one year since my dad passed away...

This is one of my favorite photos of him and I. He had such an easy smile. 

I wrote about missing and grieving for him before, but I wanted to share more with you.

This last year has been one of the most stressful for me, emotionally. With the death of my dad and the birth of my daughter there has been so much to feel. Just one of these events in a single year would have been a lot to experience. I have not always handled it well, but I think that I have done my best to not shy away from how hard it all has been. 

I have thought a lot about God's timing in all of this. How I wish my dad was here to love on Baby Grace, who continues to be a gigantic bright spot in all of our lives. I am so thankful that God blessed me with her this last year. So much heartache tempered with new joy.

If you know me, then you know I have a pretty good memory for small details and this usually makes for very long stories around our house. This has been both a blessing and a curse this last year as I have frequently thought about my dad. Remembering so much, fearing that I'll forget things, and a pervasive sadness most of the time because memories with him are no longer being made. I was always close to him, and I miss him so much. 

Most of the time, I still can't believe he's gone. I think that's why marking one year is especially difficult. This is the first anniversary in my life that I have not greeted with joy and anticipation. 

In all of this though, as I have said before, there is still so much to be thankful for. My husband has been a solid rock for me to lean on this last year. I can't even begin to describe all the ways he has been there for me when others have failed, encouraged me, prayed for me, counseled me, and loved me. I have been convicted and amazed again and again at his generosity, forgiveness and steadfastness by my side. Thank you Beej.

The Lord has also given me a couple people who, even though they didn't always understand, entered into my grief with me. They made themselves available--one of the biggest blessings I've experienced since at times, I have felt swallowed whole by the isolation that grief can bring. They asked questions, listened, cried, prayed and were just there for me. Thank you dear, sweet friends.

Behind these means of grace, it is God who has been the biggest giver. He has gone before me in all this. On days when I woke up and went to bed feeling angry at the world and on those when joy and faith triumphed--he has been there. A few days ago, Beej reminded me again how Jesus truly understands everything we go through. When he was on the cross, he gave his mother into John's care, implying that Joseph was no longer around. The bible isn't completely clear, but it's likely that Jesus too experienced the death of his earthly father. Though he is fully God, he was also fully man and completely understands all that I have felt this last year. That really ministered to me and once again reminded me of how good the God I serve is--he has promised to never leave me or forsake me. Through the good and hard times (and sometimes they are both), his enduring love abides. He is my great comfort.

GRIEF

It's such a strange thing really.

Over the last few months, I've felt like things have just been hard. Almost harder than just after we lost my dad. It was a very busy time. That first week filled with family, tears, tons of photos, paperwork, packing, making plans and getting all in order. Then moving my mom and sister back to Humboldt and the months of living together, more planning, unpacking, paperwork, tears, etc. Then hurriedly preparing for Grace's arrival and those exhilarating and exhausting first few months of her life and mine as a new mom. Things have become more routine now with Grace and life in general has become a bit more settled. So I find myself with more time to think than ever before.

I think of my dad. Then I think, "he's gone" and my mind recoils. I feel like he just died yesterday, then at other times, I feel like he's been gone forever.

I've lost track of the number of times people have told me, "Aren't you glad your mom moved back? That's great she can babysit for you. It's so important to have family close by". I often have no idea how to respond to that. I've thought of saying, "You're right. It is great that my dad died so my mom can babysit my daughter". But I don't say that because these are people who know me, who love me, who mean well...but just don't know what to say. So I just smile and say how thankful I am that my mom is now living close and does love to spend time with her granddaughter, because in truth, I am thankful. But I would much, much, much rather have my dad still be alive.

Over the last 10 months, I have realized that most people do all they can to avoid death. It's only natural. No one really wants to think about it or experience it. It's because it's not really normal. It's not what God intended. Sin entered the world, and death followed. And suddenly, there was real sadness. There was loss. There was shock and tears, despair and emptiness. A desperate wish that things were different. The hope, the reassurance is that one day things will be different. God will come again. The earth will be redeemed. And, my great hope is that I will see my dad again--in heaven. I hang onto the fact that he did accept the Lord at one point in his life. BJ remembers seeing a video of him on the day he was baptized. "This is the happiest day of my life" was my dad's comment. I take great peace in that. We serve a gracious God who loves to redeem.

I have learned a lot (and am still learning) as I go through this process. I'd like to share some of that with you.

:: Many people don't know what to say. Just say something. It is better to acknowledge the loss, however awkwardly you do it, than to say nothing at all.

:: Realize that your friend may not feel like calling or talking or getting out, so you need to be the one who makes the effort to reach out to them. For many grieving a loss, it is difficult to realize everyone else has moved on but you. For me this was in looking around at a group of friends who I dearly love, watching everyone laugh and enjoy themselves, all the while thinking, "I have nothing to say. I have nothing to give. I used to enjoy times like these". I know it's just a season, but it's still hard.

:: Meals, notes of encouragement, prayer...all of these things are a great help. A little goes a long way. The day my mom moved back, a huge group of guys showed up to help her unload the gigantic u-haul. What would have taken all day was done in rapid speed. That wonderful group of men gave up their morning, but in doing so, blessed our family beyond measure.

:: Listen. Work to draw the person out through good questions and truly listening. I think that often this is one of the best ways to share another's burden. Just be there to listen as the person shares their grief and lightens their load. God calls us to pour out our hearts before him. You can reflect Christ to your grieving friend by allowing them to also do this with you.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

:: Read up on grief. You may not have lost someone yet, but we will all go through this eventually. Most people lose grandparents, parents, some even children. You don't have to personally experience loss to be able to encourage others through it. 


:: Keep pointing your friend back to Jesus. This is very important. Losing someone and all the changes and emotions that come with that can be overwhelming and confusing. It's important to continue to point out God's goodness.

Take Joy in God

Even though this has been a difficult time for me and my family, I've found that there are so many things to be thankful for...

I had a wonderful relationship with my dad and have so many good and comforting memories of him to think over. I know how much he loved me because he consistently told me so. He worked to cultivate a positive attitude and was always the biggest encourager in my life--this especially, is something I miss. He easily laughed at himself, and I loved giving him a hard time. One of the most annoyingly funny things he would do to me was call right as he was going through a coffee drive thru--so mid conversation I always had to wait while he ordered his large peppermint mocha--he was clueless at times. And I will never forget the look of shock and happiness when we told him he was going to be a grandpa...it was priceless.

It has been good to see how much God has provided for my mom and strange to realize that all the verses concerning widows now apply to her. From finances to a a new job and a potential place to live, He has been going before her in all things. He has shown again and again how faithful He is to care for His children.

Losing someone makes you treasure those who are still here all the more. God has used this loss to draw me and the Hubster closer. Beej has been an invaluable help to my entire family. The most surprising thing that has happened is how much more in love with him I've become--he is my dearest friend.

"The tender heart of Jesus waits to hear our griefs, let us pour them into His patient ear."

-Charles Spurgeon